How to give feedback that inspires
There can be many reasons why we give feedback to a person, and each situation requires its own style. Here I consider how to give feedback that leaves that person feeling more confident and better equipped to make choices in their work or behaviour. What style of feedback is of most use, and how can it best be given?
The method I describe below is simple and effective. I first came across it when participating in writers’ groups, where creative writers gather to critique each other’s work. I have been applying it widely ever since. At first I found the behaviour required of me was unfamiliar. Learning to express myself in non-judgmental language took time and practice. If you’re not in the habit of doing this, I recommend you give it a go. It’s a skill that is rewarding in its own right.
Before we give feedback, we must be confident we have a trusting relationship of mutual respect with the other person. This is a pre-requisite, as it enables a safe environment for the receiver, where they know the feedback is given from a place of love.
The purpose of giving the feedback is to offer useful input that enables the receiver to do better work. It is not to make ourself feel better or to vent our own frustrations. We give feedback because we genuinely want the other person to do the best they can. Our own ego has no part in this dialogue.
This being the case, we cannot presume to judge the person. This is not a courtroom. It is also not a classroom: we are not there to tell them how we would have done the thing ourself. We do not assume to know the other person’s motivations or to be somehow better than them. This is a conversation between equals.
As a consequence, the only approach we can take is to tell the person how their work made us feel. We are not invoking some external standard against which to measure the work. Instead, we simply give our honest reaction. And we owe it to the person to be specific: not just how did their work make us feel, but what aspects brought up those feelings? This provides input that the person can use if they wish.
You can only give feedback from your own feelings, so by its nature this kind of feedback is specific to the piece of work in question and not a comment on the person in general. This is a golden rule, and sticking to it will enable you to avoid the temptation of crossing the line into judging or teaching. The person will choose for themself which parts of the feedback to take on board, and will generalize for themself as appropriate. Your job is just to express your reaction to a specific circumstance. And remember: you are not giving advice or guidance (that is a different kind of conversation). The scope is limited to giving feedback on a piece of work or behaviour.
I have found the following structure useful when giving feedback:
Say what you liked. What about the work or behaviour did you like and why? How did it make you feel? Be as specific as possible. Get in the habit of noticing what you like so that you can put other aspects in perspective. It is valuable for the person receiving feedback to know what people like about their work. Example: I really enjoyed hearing your presentation. Your voice was clear and engaging, the speed of delivery neither too fast nor too slow. The subject held my interest throughout.
Say what you found challenging. This is not about finding fault. It’s telling the person which parts of the work you found difficult to understand, and why. You can only know what you yourself found challenging, so avoid generalising. Stay specific. Example: At one point what you were saying seemed out of synch with the slides. This left me feeling puzzled. And towards the end, I felt I had missed something: I couldn’t follow the logical steps that led you to your conclusions.
Say what you wish for. This is not about imposing your ideas on someone else’s work, it’s about what would make their work more effective for you – while acknowledging that this is just a personal preference, and nothing more. Example: For me the experience would have been less puzzling if you indicated more clearly where you were in the slides; and if you summarized your logic before reaching the conclusion. This would give me a feeling of confidence that I fully understood the subject.
Express your feedback in non-judgmental language. For example, avoid saying something was ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Stick to how you felt about something specific. You are not blaming or praising, just relating your experience.
What method do you use for giving feedback? How do you put the receiver of feedback in the best frame of mind? Please leave a comment.